Dating lessons I’ve learned – 1

I remember working 2 jobs to help an ex. He was in a critical financial situation. No, he was living in a financial crisis.

It was a bad idea. I knew it was. However, I loved him and thought I should have his back if I could.

He came clean to me one day saying he had been betting with my money. It broke my heart.

Communication

I can’t stress enough on how important it is to communicate.

It helps to understand what’s really going on in people’s mind. Their struggles, fears, things that make them happy, sad, uncomfortable.

If you’re not a bodylanguage expert or have super powers to read through people, it’s obviously quite impossible to know how someone really feels.

We are many in this category. Communicating is what we do. Once you stop and start guessing, you open doors to misunderstandings, confusions, conflicts, hate, jealousy.

All these and more only because you decided to imagine someone’s thoughts. I don’t know for you guys, but I figured out it wasn’t working for me.

Never assume.

Don’t get me wrong though. Assumptions can help for sure. In cases where there’s no way to actually get the information. That is, if the person won’t/ can’t speak. It could be for example, your boyfriend neither answering to your calls nor texting to say he can’t take the call . Therefore, you might assume that he’s busy. As simple as that right? With this mindset you’re totally positive. So, the assumption is positive as well. I didn’t say right but positive.

Now imagine if you don’t get a text and start assuming he’s cheating on you at the moment or was involved in an accident or… (fill in here because I know we’re sometimes extremely crazy). This makes you feel bad, anxious, sick… Well, your assumption was negative. That is, regardless of if it is false or right, you are already acting crazy.

In other circumstances you might have a strong feeling about what’s happening and it turns out to be right.  Unfortunately, it is usually not the case. You know it’s just your craziness taking over. :)))

Getting to my point, communication. When you communicate, not only do you get the information, but you save a lot of precious time and energy. Also, the information is legit. You know what I mean? Like you can’t decide what someone is going to say. Whether they lie or tell the truth, you have something to base your next moves on.

It’s up to you, to believe what they say or not. At least, you won’t be wrong either way because it’s their duty/ choice to say the truth. Especially if they need help.

Now, let’s think about another kind of communication. “Self-communication”

I don’t know if it’s a real word, but it is surely a real thing. To communicate with yourself. Take some moments to just get in touch with yourself. Your thoughts, feelings, opinions, everything you have on your mind.

Ask yourself some questions. What do you want to have for dinner, what sauce, which restaurant, how much you want to spend. This is all basic.

Deeper questions like, do I like her, is this really what I want to study, do I want to pursue this relationship, do I want that job, is it the environment or the people that makes me uncomfortable, what do I want to accomplish by the end of the day, why do I drink, why am I impulsive or arrogant or jealous or self-degrading?

Weeww!

There is a multitude of questions you could ask yourself everyday. You won’t get the answers to these questions if you don’t talk to yourself. I usually just start thinking about all that is on my mind. However, I rarely actually speak to myself.

It is so powerful to say: “Vanick why are you feeling down?” than just thinking it. Why? You can listen to yourself saying it, which is a sign that you have a problem and are ready to face it. There’s so much power in the tongue. I’m not the first to say it. Once you utter the words, it becomes more serious.

You think: I have been eating unhealthy food lately. Then your mind gets distracted by something else that is also very important. You’ve just missed an opportunity to think deeply about the first issue.

You speak: I have been eating unhealthy food lately. I should make a list of some foodstuffs for when I’ll go to the groceries this weekend. The chocolate in my fridge. It needs to go. I can replace it with strawberries. Yeah! So yummy. I can eat healthy and delicious food…and you keep talking.

Most of you might think it makes you crazy or that you might be a weirdo for talking to yourself. Of course I’m not saying you should be in the presence of other people and start thinking out loud.

Take a moment at multiple times in your day when you’re with yourself. And speak to yourself.

Another way of doing it is by writing it down. Why do you think we do so in order to remember things? This is because you actually can read it many times and it sticks in your mind as a priority. You get less distracted if you set your mind to think about that same thing again and again.

Tell/write yourself the things that make you happy or sad. Even talk to your belly and be like: you and I must take different paths buddy. It’s been too long. I can’t be in this relationship anymore. I need a new belly ASAP. Period.

How empowering is That?

For example: Vanick, you can do this. You are intelligent, smart, calm and confident. This month is just another difficult one. You’ve been through 26 years +++. It’s not a 31 days month that will tear you down. Go and get that degree.

Did you feel That?

I challenge you to start communicating with yourself. When you know what you really feel inside, no one can make you think otherwise.

Pressure

The weight on my shoulders is causing my spine to bend till my knees touch the ground meanwhile my eyelids fill with tears. They run down my cheeks like the waterfalls of Bad Urach and I am slowly submerged in the saltiness of my thoughts. My heartbeats rise abnormally, but somehow my brain doesn’t get enough blood. I can’t think properly and when I find a way to understand what’s going on, it doesn’t make sense. Nothing does.

My eyes have disconnected from my body after drying out like the lake Chad. The sounds that used to be music to my ears are reduced to noises with piercing adlibs. They repeat themselves, therefore I scream with all the energy left in my body. That’s when my head hits the ground and I realise the effect of my tears.

A soil that used to be unfertile and degraded starts to live again. The plants emerge from their hiding places to get a caress from the wind and smell the evaporation from their leaves. The sun smiling at their branches growing petals of all colours is comparable to the Amazon forest visiting the Sahara desert on a quest to save the world.

The impact of my unexplored strength. Strength that does not come from me. An exchange of energies from the nature to me and vice versa. A cycle of life. Give and receive. Receive and give. So I rise with indescribable courage to face the reasons that cause me to fall, the feelings and thoughts that brought me to my knees. I am stronger than that.

When my body lies on the ground defeated, though my heart pumps blood out of my chest and nothing makes sense, I am still alive. That’s when I am strongest. Resilient no matter what I am going through. Pressure can break me down, but pressure is the same reason I will always rise. If it doesn’t kill you, it makes you stronger.

Another baby gone

He didn’t ask to be here to begin with. His parents thought he would be the joy bringer in the family.

Therefore, decided to have him. He came and gave them a reason to live, he was made to create their purpose, to help them feel better about themselves, to offer him to the world.

Now he’s dead.

He left them with sorrow. No purpose, no reason to be. He’s gone and they stopped feeling better.

He didn’t want to bring them sadness. He didn’t ask to bring them happiness either. He didn’t ask for none of this.

He saw how hateful and useless life is and he left. Now, it wasn’t supposed to be hurtful. But life gives and takes.

At least, he won’t have to deal with trying to answer the questions that have no answers.

I appreciate you little baby. You did what I can’t do. You found your way out of this system. But my heart is broken.

Note to your family, I hope they find a better purpose, another source of joy, another fountain of happiness. Because life is as such.

In memory of all the babies who die too soon.

Take a Break to Take a Breath

I love writing. It is what I do when I’m healthy, when I’m sick, when I’m happy, when I’m sad. Even when I’m confused or think I got everything figured out, I write.

But I stopped writing. For months now I haven’t written anything non-related to my studies. Okay I’m technically writing lmao. However, it doesn’t feel the same.

I don’t know what happened. And stop right there! It’s not about priorities. I obviously have many important things to do. But when did writing stop being my priority? The one thing I believe to be my talent.

🙂 It wasn’t a choice. I just found myself not writing anymore. And I don’t hate myself because of that. I understood I’m not obliged to write. I am not in a relationship with writing.

It’s something I should do when I feel like doing it. Not when I don’t want to. Coz sometimes it feels like if you don’t do that thing then do you even really like it? Nah fam. Stop being a slave to certain things. I was addicted to writing.

Anyways, it was a break. That’s what happened. My body and mind focused on other things. And guess what? I’m back at it! Writing with a different perspective. Not addicted anymore.

Sometimes you gotta stop and take a deep breath. Sounds basic. And it is basic, but we usually forget to breathe. Those things that you like so much and feel like if they were taken away from you, you would be depressed or die.

Lol.

You wonder how I transitioned from depression to death so quick? Just ignore it. I’m over-thinking. Your life does not depend on it.

Take a break to take a breath. Come back stronger, more focused, more inspired, more calm, more mature, less worried, less stressed, less angry, more peaceful.

If you’re addicted to your talent, try to stop using it. You will live coz life goes on. And once you realise you’re still breathing, you’ll know your life doesn’t depend on it. And never did.

Writing doesn’t own me. And I’m going to do whatever I want with this talent. My choice.

Self-Worth Issues

Do you usually feel like you don’t deserve every good thing that comes your way? Like you are the main trait to your success?

When you get a job and second-guess your skills, like why would they employ you? Why would they choose you among all those potentially good candidates? …which will eventually affect your work.

When you’re being appreciated by many people in every aspect of your life; at work, at home, at the university and even in the streets. But somehow you can’t seem to digest the fact that you might actually be a good person?

When someone is genuinly interested in you or loves you, but you won’t stop asking yourself why in the world it’s you they chose? …that’s how you push them away.

When you always give to others and are always ready to help, but for whatever reasons you can’t let people give you or help you?

When you won’t ask for help either because you don’t think you deserve to be helped?

When sometimes there’s an opportunity that you won’t take because you don’t believe in your skills, like you think you’ll not be good enough?

It’s so many things that contribute to not living up to your full potential and enjoying life.

I’ve been that person, but I’ve decided to change. I want to embrace all the good that is meant to happen to me. I wish to trust myself more to accept that I might be great and deserve greatness.

The process is hard but it’s worth it.

What I fear as a black person

I portray myself as a very strong lady. However, strong people have weaknesses too.

It’s always been difficult for me to understand why a human being can judge another human being for whatsoever reason. If we learn how to mind the business that serves us personally, we will be great individuals.

Being in a foreign country and travelling a lot has made me discover a multitude of cultures. I have come to understand that people who judge others are insecure. They’re not happy, are lacking in some aspects of their life and therefore decide to criticize others in order to feel better about their flaws, to make them feel superior, and comfort them in their failures.

I like talking about racism because it’s real. You can pretend it doesn’t exist but when you see it, no matter how confident you are, it makes you feel bad. It can take some seconds or some days and even months to regain your self-esteem.

So after an incident that happened 2 weeks ago, where I was spit on because of my skin colour, I started fearing the following things:

1. To sit in the public transport next to someone, because they might be uncomfortable and even change seats.

2. To enter the tram and someone looks at you to see if you will buy a ticket.

3. To enter a shop but find nothing and decide to leave, hopefully they don’t follow me thinking I put something in my pocket.

4. To walk around in a shop for minutes without finding what I want and the workers start keeping an eye on me.

5. To enter a swimming pool and some people leave.

6. To share an idea for a group work and no one actually considers it.

7. To walk behind someone at night and they stop so I can walk pass them.

8. To not be given an information which literally everyone is given or deserves to know.

9. To have people pretend to appreciate you but are uncomfortable to be seen with you in public.

Whenever I experience something racist, it makes me have more and more fears. But I am working on me, to keep my head high always.

When you’re losing a friend

During studies we go through a lot with exams and stuffs. We usually have a group of friends or a few people who are always there for us.

They become kind of our family on campus, so when we have issues with them it’s like a big deal. Because we care for them.

These issues can sometimes be critical such that we lose our friend slowly. When that person is really of great importance to us, we do what we can to make up.

However there’s this one question which is always hard to answer to: who will reach out first? Coz the only way to fix anything is to communicate.

I used to believe that the strongest person is the one who gets called or texted to initiate a conversation. Like they probably were less faulty than the one who reached out.

Today I know it’s wrong in so many ways. If you can’t put your ego aside to tell someone: hey can we talk? Then you must be somehow weak. That’s how I feel.

And there’s a difference between trying to talk with someone and trying to talk to someone.

Coz it’s a conversation and you’re not willing to make it worse, reaching out like you want to tell them why they’re wrong and why you’re right.

The person now has the choice to accept to talk with you or not. And you can’t do anything about that. It’s how they feel. At the end of the day you did what you had to do.

Some of us hurt because we’re always the ones reaching out. You must understand that it’s very mature and should not diminish this character of yours which is very noble.

My Town under Construction Everyday

I really love this town Karlsruhe, however it’s getting on my nerves. Many people who live here would definitely agree with me. Especially the old folks.

Photo: http://www.ka-news.de

It’s great to have mind-blowing goals, but we are here stressed out because the town basically constructs major roads every year.

Of course they inform us beforehand, but damn we’re never totally prepared.

Yesterday I took the usual tram after work to go home. I was reading this book about a drug addict; Go ask Alice. She’s 15 years old and very disturbed. Mentally disturbed. Her parents won’t let her breathe and keep on comparing her insignificant life with that of her brilliant siblings. They’re younger but have a juicier social life than her.

I understand her pressure, but I find it extreme to start doing drugs because you feel lonely and unattractive and non-interesting.

In the beginning she thinks everything she’s read about drugs is fake, because for a moment in her boring life, she feels like a bird. She forgets about all the problems of her daily life and believes it’s worth it to have 1min of exciting illusions than 24h of painful reality.

I don’t blame her. Hopefully her parents will pay attention to her. She’s hurting and her soul is escaping bit by bit. Anyway I guess she’ll learn how destructive drugs are, but it might be too late.

We were at a station halfway to Germersheim when we heard the driver ask everyone to alight. I was so unbothered, that I just kept reading my book.

30mins down and we were still waiting. Every train that arrived at the station was emptied and redirected to the opposite direction. It was like final destination, literally. There was a sort of accident some stations further and I heard furious people around me calling the KVV(transport company of Karlsruhe) all sorts of names. Still I was reading my book and minding my business.

The girl is now an addict and does all kinds of drugs with her new friends. She even starts pushing drugs at school to help her drug addict boyfriend financially. He’s a med student and doesn’t have time to hustle around like she has. Hence she promises to do everything she can to support him.

Turns out he is cheating on her. Hence there she goes again deep in her depressive life. Attending parties where she ends up completely unconscious. One day she decides to runaway with her friend Chris. Another mentally disturbed teenager who also does drugs. Coincidence? Of course not! Who else can understand her if they’re not broken, sick and hurting? Her plan? To live her life without being judged. To meet people who have no clue who she is. Maybe they’ll find her interesting.

They go to this party and do drugs like everyone. In the midst of losing their mind, she realises they’re being raped and they can’t help it. That’s what opened her eyes about the damages she’s causing to herself. Thus returns home after being away for more than 3 months.How will her parents react? What about school? Is she going to learn? Well, I’ll find out.

The tramway was cleared and I could finally go home. In total, I stood up for more than an hour waiting for a train. And eventhough my time was perfectly used, I was exhausted and wanted to watch money heist.

Should I thank the KVV for that? Surely not!

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